Epigramology: essence, luminescence, incandescence

I like one-liners, bon mots, witticisms, epigrams, maxims, quips, by whatever name such distillations of life’s wisdom are known, from the acerbic pens of Ambrose Bierce, Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, G.K. Chesterton, Winston Churchill, Woody Allen, et al. Who doesn’t?

Regrettably and realistically in equal measure, my sources rarely include the original texts. Life is too short. So, I often look to secondary sources for my daily dose of humour – collectors such as Ambrose Bierce (who belongs in both groups), Aubrey Dillon-Malone, Mardy Grothe, Nigel Reese, Des Machale, to name a few.

 

But none of the above are found in these pages, except inadvertently through inspiration, negligence or ignorance. What follows is my own attempts at distilling life in epigrammatic form. 

 

Since it is hard to draw clear lines between a quip and a crack or a retort and a riposte, since modesty dictates that such elegant labels are better suited to other people’s thoughts than my own intellectual flatulence, and, finally, since I want to be original, naturally, I have grouped my thoughts under: ESSENCE, LUMINESCENCE, and INCANDESCENCE. 

 

Essence is just definitions, luminescence (emission of light from an unheated source) is my musings and reflections on life when I am on top form, and incandescence (emission of light from a heated source) is what I would like to say when someone else lands a blow on me with a clinching quote. The retort seldom comes at the right moment, leaving me stewing in resentment until I can think of a comeback. Incandescent!

 

I follow three criteria in my essence and luminescence categories. They are borrowed from Des Machale’s Wittipedia: the thoughts must be short, funny, and context-free. I fall short on all three, but I keep trying. The point of the whole exercise: to have better arguments.

 

The inevitable flaw as much as the avowed aim of deploying such pre-packaged wisdom is of course the dubious value of settling arguments by adage. Truth by adage is a recognised logical fallacy. No one likes having arguments shot down by a borrowed one-liner, but if it’s your own wisdom? 

Some essence to start with:

Builders – opportunists who never knowingly undercharge for the corners they never fail to cut.

 

Builders – the rock on which your dreams crumble as your bills soar to magnificent heights.

 

Builders – just like dentists only without the anaesthetic.